Citizen Kane 2: Piranha 3DD

Welcome to “At The Movies with Me and Your Stripper Mom”.

There is really no explanation why a true fan of cinema would watch the first Piranha movie and then the sequel.  However I must have needed 3 to 4 additional hours of activity that I would regret on my deathbed so I recently watched both and this is my review.

Trailer for Piranha:

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Much like you on the weekend, this movie sucks a large number of giant cocks.  I recognize it was meant to be campy and ridiculous but the excellent dialogue and fantastic character development betrayed a much deeper and heartfelt film experience, leaving the viewer confused and in need of additional booze and cocaine.  It also has a bunch of naked chicks with fake tits and Ving Rhames.  It scores a 2.984 bald heads out of 19.994 bald heads.

The only reason I would recommend you smoke crack and watch Piranha is so that you can fully grasp and appreciate the excellence that is PIRANHA 3DD!!juan1!

Trailer for Piranha 3DD:

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Here are 7 (seven) reasons why you need to watch Piranha 3DD:

(1)  The insane Gary Busey is in it and immediately dies in the beginning.

(2)  It has a lot of gratuitous naked boobs which have been sorely missing from most movies in the last 30 years,  Sadly most are fake but whatever.

(3)  It contains this line of dialogue: “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”  The fact the actress that said this line didn’t win an Oscar reflects poorly on the Academy.

(4)  (PIRANHA SPOILER ALERT!) A legless Ving Rhames is in this movie and it sort of seems like he’s a legless Marsellus Wallace which sucks.

(5)  The violence is hilarious which is how you should like your violence: gratuitous, bloody, booby-filled and hilarious.

(6)  David Hasselhoff stars in Piranha 3DD as himself from the Baywatch days and he delivers another Oscar-worthy performance.

(7)  The first half of this movie is uncomfortable and painful much like your first 15 prison showers.  It’s fucking horrible and it kills your soul.

However, once you accept the fact the you’ve already invested 45 minutes in it and/or you like prison rape, the second half is so completely redemptive of not only the first half of the film but also your pathetic existence that you will cry tears of joy when it’s over.

BONUS REASON:  The acting by everyone in this movie sucks all the animals on every farm and in every zoo that has ever existed in the universe ever.

I’ve reviewed movies before that suck and that you should avoid like Mare in a whirlpool at 3am but Piranha 3DD is different.  It sucks but in a way that only makes you want to cut yourself, not kill yourself.

Piranha 3DD  0.175 out of 0.217 bald heads.

Fin.